We all know one, maybe several. Maybe, in fact, we are one, in the eyes of those who know us: The Douchebag – that loveably ignorant, pretty, muscle-bound bag of rocks. The Jersey Shore wannabes with the bad fades, and tourettes-like need to high five any and everyone within range. They abound here in our paradisiacal Eden, flocking to our beaches like so many witless sand-crabs vying for the tastiest crabettes. It is to you blissfully ignorant meatheads that I speak.
It must be crushing when, after a bird-of-paradise worthy display of your plumage; after pounding not one but four – four! – Jager-bombs without so much as a wince (but several high fives), your target of choice finds you only mildly amusing, in an anthropological tribal-rituals sort of way. Naturally, you call her a skank and say her ass is fat. High five anyone in range. But I’m telling you, you troglodytic simpleton, it doesn’t have to be so! Hark! you clueless blowfish, you simian knuckle dragging tree swinger – there is hope! For you Homo-Erectus marvels of evolutionary overlap, I’ve laid out a simple step-by-step plan to at least delay the inevitable retreat of that elusive chick with a brain.
Step 1: Look up simian. Try not to act like one.
Step 2: Replace simian with any other word you didn’t understand in the preceding article. See step 1.
Step 3: Louder is not always better. Cranking the volume is OK on house music and football. Your dull observations? Not so much.
Step 4: When you think you have something intelligent to say, you should probably think twice. And then say nothing. Appearing to be the quiet, thoughtful guy, coupled with your prodigious biceps, is probably your best shot.
Step 5: Ask her what her favorite book is. She will automatically think you have read at least one. You are way ahead of the curve at this point – appearance, as any self-respecting douchebag knows, is 98% of what matters.
Step 6: If you have never heard of the book, be honest and tell her. A particularly worldly and wily female may still suspect you are a douchebag in disguise. It is best to answer her with this simple line. “Never heard of it – good read?” Again – steering the dialogue in her direction. This accomplishes two goals – one, it further delays you having to say anything intelligent, and two, she now believes you are interested in what she has to say, and just maybe – a stretch, but I say it is conceivable at this point – just maybe she is starting to think you have a brain. There is no need to handle the other scenario where you actually have read the book she mentions, as, lets face it, that’s about as likely as Snooky writing a novel.
Step 7: Here’s where it gets tricky. Eventually, inevitably, she will want to hear you speak. Preferably in full sentences, with as few instances of Dude, or Bro, as you can possibly manage. You are already farther than any biblio-challenged orangutan has ever managed with this girl – you must press on. Resist the urge, at this point, to pound your drink or tell her she’s smokin’. Absolutely no high fiving. These are the tell-tale nervous tics of the douchebagus genus, and must be avoided at all costs. Do not eat, play with, or throw your own excrement – also very grievous no-nos. I don’t think it needs to be said that autoerotic stimulation at this point would be disastrous.
Step 8: Your self-help books should not be considered when discussing your reading list. How to live with Hemorrhoids/Warts/Roid Rage, How to Bang Chicks/Enlarge your Penis or any related title should be removed from the discussion. And from your bookshelf too, in case you pull off the miraculous and actually get this girl to your pad/crib/lair. Fitness books are acceptable, but generally not considered literature. Comics, dirty joke books, and the Kama Sutra are, while amusing and perhaps even mentally challenging for you, also not considered literature.
Step 9: Homework. Yes, there is homework. Even after you have learned to control the tell-tale signs of your disorder, you still have nothing interesting to say. Awkward silence prevails. Irresistible urge to pound drink and high-five someone will ensue. You need to learn a few simple must-have weapons for your arsenal. Nothing too high-brow. She would settle for a couple decent tomes on your shelf, and at least the illusion that you have the desire and wherewithal to read them. Commit these to memory. Or write them on your palm, I don’t care. The real beauty of these 5 books is that they have all been made into movies. How else did you think you would fool her?
- The Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas A very fulfilling tale of a wrongfully imprisoned man – and we’re talking medieval dungeon solitary confinement for decades here – who seeks the best kind of revenge on his enemies when set free. Note – the author’s name is not pronounced DUMB-ASS. It is Dooo-Ma. French. You will undoubtedly score bonus points by knowing he was also the author of The Three Musketeers and the The Man in the Iron Mask – both of which are movies as well. You’re welcome.
- Love in the Time of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez It has love in the title, so she’ll think you’re sensitive. Plus, there’s lots of shagging and wooing of innocent colonial babes. Seriously fun book to read – no one writes like Marquez. And for you South Floridian douchebags, pay special attention to this author. He’s Colombian, and they freaking love him down there. If you want ANY chance at the bookish Latinas this is a must have missile in your arsenal.
- The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald Because its about living large in the 20’s. Obscene parties and chasing tail. There’s an old movie with Robert Redford, and they are making a new one now. Bonus points for knowing Fitzgerald also wrote the novella, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Also a movie. You’re welcome.
- On the Road – Jack Kerouac A mad-paced rambling jive-jazz thunder-clap of a book that you can read in a weekend. Think: a reading man’s version of Road Trip. Movie in production, so be careful not to introduce this to your repertoire before it comes out. Or you could just read it. Ha!
- Fight Club – Chuck Palahniuk Because every one has seen the movie, but most don’t realize the book is pretty f*cking awesome too. Palahniuk is the guy that isn’t afraid to write what everyone is thinking. Not to be confused with allowing yourself to say whatever you are thinking. That would be a catastrophe.
Step 10: See step 1.